Anticipation

is the essence of this tune I've dug up from my old old collection of oldies.

As the number starts, you're introduced slowly into this world - seemingly cold, dark and boring. But the pace picks up and very soon you're in a trance, moving and bobbing your head to the music.

Anticipation, the wonders of.

Are you anticipating anything? I know I am, and it's worth every life-depreciating moment.

Happy People (Knee Deeps TO L.B. Dub).wma -

16 reasons tomorrow will be good

1. The sun will rise
2. The train's always less packed in the morning
3. We just got paid for the month of February
4. My feet are hurting less from the jog on Friday
5. I'm off to a new project at work - the April issue of our staff publication
6. A new month, a new reason to shop for clothes
7. Yesterday was history
8. The stock market has new promises
9. I've made some informed decisions about it
10. My sister's birthday is nearing
11. I've yet to try out the few steak recipes I've gotten
12. Coca-Cola
13. I get to see the fun people at work
14. I'm going to meet some fun people from the last workplace
15. A promise of the best life awaits
16. Why not?

Yesterday + 1

"Hey you."

I looked into her eyes and gave the same smile I give whenever we meet. It's a real one - the kind of smile I reserve solely for her - and she's the only one to have ever seen it.

"It's been what? Three years?" I took a seat next to her, placing my hand on the cold stone. I've always wanted to touch her - more than accidentally like I've always remembered - but I always tell myself she won't like it if this joker keeps trying to grab her hand.

She looked exactly the way I remembered, only a million times better. She's like a dream - clean, fragile, and oh so beautiful. I've never left her gaze and I enjoy doing that; I could do that all day - just staring into the most enchanting pair of eyes in the world.

Hell, universe. And don't get started on her smile.

"I guess we're just like that huh? Every time I say something stupid, you just go away. I can do all sorts of stuff to get you to talk to me, but you'll always keep your distance," I started rambling the way I do when I try to talk with her.

"Always waiting for your call, but god knows what I'll say when you do though... you've ever only called me twice."

I so want to grab her close and give her a nice long kiss; my mind telling me to go for it, but all I could do is look at those eyes. I just keep looking and smiling, not wanting it to end.

I was si caught in her that he caught me off guard, tapping me lightly on the shoulder, a concerned look on his face. Dude's the guy who drove me here, taking time off so a foolish friend can chase his stupid dream.

"I'm sorry to be an ass, but I think it's time you snap out of it," he said loudly because I didn't turn when he touched me.

"We'll go soon ok?" I didn't want it to end, not again, not for god-knows how long more.

He grabbed my shoulder this time, trying to turn me over so he can get a good look into my eyes. I fight him, my entire being given to the girl in front of me.

"C'mon man, the parents are giving you a weird look. I think they'll call the cops soon! All the relatives have left and you're the last loony still sitting around staring at their daughter."

"Leave me alone."

A great friend is someone who'll stick with you through all your idiosyncrasy, one who knows how much leverage to give and how much of your crap he can take. He'll follow you into burning hell just so he can pull you out and kick your ass later for dragging him into that shit.

Dude's so full of my crap hell rejected us coz of the stink. If he ever gets me out of here I'm going to get the biggest ass-kicking in the history of fucked-up-fed-up-friend-ass-kicking history.

One last shove and he's got me looking daggers at him. The tall grass irritated the hell out of me and with the weather cooking me under my shirt I'm really thinking I can take his sorry ass.

"Fuck you don't mean shit to her!"

"Yeah, and she means everything to me," I said, and we were alone again.













"I don't get you man."

As he walks away from us I take one last long look at her. I know it's got to end one day, but I've never been able to tell myself how to react when it actually does. So many times dude's been telling me to get over her and move on, but I can never get her out of me - not then, not now when all that I ever bothered with is her.

Just yesterday, he bought me a drink and sat me down to ask one single question - one that I've battled with but have always given the same straight answer to.

"I don't know, but I guess I'll wait."

The goodbye was quick but painful, like all the rest we ever had. I've said it to her so many times, each time more difficult and hurting more than the last. I also know I've crossed the line again this time, and it'll be forever before we meet.

The wait is long, but we always end up saying hello again. And I'll still have the same flowers I buy only for her, giving her the same smile, feeling the same way, and always ending up saying the same stupid thing I should have learnt to avoid before I took the one way train to Love-Lorn Valley.

It's in the stars, and I've always believed it.

A song in my head

Fingers tapping slow
On the wooden tabletop
From morning to night.

Is that your final answer?

Honestly, how many times if you life have you ever been sure of what you're doing? No diving in or second guessing or what ifs or maybes - just pure instinct with a capital Y.

I'm plenty bad at it. The more serious the consequence, the worse my decision. As if that isn't bad enough, I remember most of them!

But do we spend our lives chasing possibilities? My recent experiences (some new, some old, one eternal) have taught me not to go back so much. It's a good story to tell the folks once in awhile, but if you're going to live regretting your lousy decisions, you're just going to remember more of them for more sad lonely times at home.

To tell the truth I've only ever been sure about two things in life so far - what my dream life will be like, and that I can't live life regretting what I should have done.

I know I hesitated the last time, but in my heart all I ever wanted to do was let everything go and run after a dream that I touched last one night. In some way I'm doing it now - without fear or indisposition - and I must say that while it's going to be a long long journey, and one that might never even come to fruition, I'm loving the resolution.

One thing's for sure, nothing's going to stop me.

Finances

Day Twelve saw a meeting with my financial planner and he's got me a newer perspective on things.

Considering a new endowment plan and a life plan... and by the looks of it there's going to be an overhaul in the entire insurance thing.

Tis was a good night - I taught him to read charts, he taught me I was being scammed in my insurance, and I beat him at pool!

It's a freaking miracle.

Oh, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADRIAN! Looking forward to the wedding dinner!

Here comes the next day

And here I am to greet it.

Hello stranger.

Slumdog sweeps the Oscars

Rags to Raja - the story of a poor orphan boy who won the hit gameshow Who Wants to be A Millionaire, Slumdog Millionaire, sweeps 8 of 10 nominations in the 81st Academy Awards.

In the story, we meet Jamal Malik, whose priceless experiences paved the way to his fairytale ending with childhood sweetheart Latika after he successfully answered all the questions in the hit television show.

Our protagonist takes on racial and caste prejudice, the loss of family, and the despair of a love lost in the journey, and unwittingly stumbles upon the answers to the questions posed to him as he takes the hot seat.

"Never give up" seems the motto, and it may still be true to the lot of us who sees high-rised buildings and have no trouble putting food into our mouths but are conterminous when it comes to agonizing about the economy.

For this writer, he sees a lesson in the reproduction of the best-selling book by author Vikas Swarup. He has gained a confirmation that good things do come to those who wait, but only if they make an effort. Through the different paths chosen by the two brothers he sees the truth behind all choices - that every action has its consequences; and if you carry your balls through it you'll be given your due reward.

In the gripping story of Slumdog Millionaire, this writer learns to persevere and take his decision to the end. Put your heart into it, and never think about taking yourself out. For as the story goes, it is written.

And I'll the good I've ever done in my life was write.

Stars and the Midnight Sky

While jogging tonight I was greeted with a clear night's sky teeming with stars. The rain in the afternoon emptied the velvet blue and presented the world below with the rare sight.

I've always had a fascination with stars. I think it all started when I realized that I liked writing about my emotions about myself and the world around me, presenting them in the form of 'poetry'. There's a certain magic to the stars - a mystical and unexplainable trait that makes you want to just stop what you are doing and stare.

Like eyes, and one pair in particular I love looking into, I enjoy getting lost in the beauty and the sea of questions that rises with the tide of pure fascination and envy; ecstasy in two bright and brilliant windows.

When you look up at the stars, do you feel the rest of the world looking? For there are so many souls and as many stars, but all in one sky under the imagination of all the people in the world. I used to ask - if I made a wish from here and far, would my words travel through the stars - as messengers for hopeful souls, across the skies would my stories' be told?

And tonight, as I breath with every step, I look up into the sky - my old friends from decades back - and ask the same question that I've grown to love -

I see the stars tonight. Do you see them too?

Say something smart

You know when you're excited about something and you go over the different scenarios in your head again and again to come up with the best, coolest lines to say? Then when the thing finally happens and all you can do is tell yourself to "say something smart, stupid!"?

That me making a fool of myself, and I kick me in the ass every time it happens.

What a way to spoil a future huh?

I, runner of 4km

I finally got to calculating how far my recent runs are. I've gotten used to the fact that I need to run to lose some weight, and I must I quite enjoy it. I just need to come up with more scenic routes so I won't get bored.

And mind you, this coming from the person who's NEVER ran the 2.4km NAFA test.

Here's what my route looks like!



2.2km per round! Not too shabby huh? I've colleagues who run marathons so I shan't gloat. But hell I amaze myself! And besides, it gets lonely at night so a run's a pretty good way to keep the mind off some stuff.

By the way, this was done using the amazing Google Maps Distance Calculator Thingie.

Onward, tight leather jeans!

Some things

A happy life, loving wife, a great honeymoon in Hawaii, one baby girl, to kiss them every morning and night, to cook, a cat, to live in a house not too near and not far away from both our parents, time with family, time with friends, to write better, to dance, to read more, to earn more money, to save more money, to go to Egypt, to spend some time alone in a hotel room with nothing but the bathtub, to lose some weight, more clothes, more jeans, more pants, to trade stocks better, to predict the future, to wake up every morning thankful for the wonderful life I have.

But most of all I want it all to come true - once, amazingly, forever. It's been the same wish for so many years, and I've got all my heart set on making it the best.

As it is written

You wake up in the morning with the sun shining through the open hole in your wall that is your window. You climb down the brick stairs and jostle with your brother for the bowl of milk placed by your mother for all to share. Tired of fighting with him, you push open the wooden door and wince as the sun hits you full-on. As the flare clears, you catch sight of the one billion, one hundred and forty-seven million, nine hundred and ninety-five thousand, nine hundred and four people that is India.

You are Jamal Malik, and you will soon be 20 million rupees richer.

Slumdog Millionaire, based on a novel by Vikas Swarup, opens with Jamal being questioned for his outstanding performance in the hit game show Who Wants to be a Millionaire. The 18 year-old had just answered all but one question, earning him 10 million rupees and making him the most famous man in India. Being a slumdog (think poor little shit-covered kid who probably steals for his seven brother and sisters), everyone believes he's cheated and he gets arrested for it.

Through the interrogation, we learn the truth in the tragic tale that is his childhood.

Jamal recounts how he answers the questions on the show through recollections of his life and all the crap that he's been forced to face. By running for his life from racist extremists (he's Muslim) he learns the image of an Indian deity; by escaping from child slave mongers he learns a song of the ages; by revisiting a past error he learns the creator of guns and death.

Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, 28 Days Later, The Beach, A Life Less Ordinary) presents India as it is - a shit hole where having talent probably means you'll have to lose a limb or both eyes; where entertainment equates to running away from security after being caught playing cricket on the airport runway; and where you wake up every morning wishing you were somewhere else. From the eyes of Jamal and Salib, Danny Boyle paints a picture of innocence, loss, grief, despair, love, kinship, and ultimately happiness as he takes you through the scenes of the orphan brothers and a small girl Latika and their struggle to make sense out of life.

And in the midst of that struggle we focus on the budding love between Jamal and Latika, whose constant separation and reunion brings light to his appearance on the game show, and whose love Jamal constantly searches for, perhaps to compensate for the increasing lack of affection from his brother.

The two brothers have been dealt with a sad hand of cards, having to face the murder of their mother and the big faceless world at a young age. They each deal with their situation in their own ways, reflecting the reality of life in the choices them each make. And from their individual life experience they each find a level of acceptance and apathy for the other. But as each of their stories come to an end we are shown that despite their stark differences, a calming and realistic similarity continues to bind the two.

To some a movie is a source of entertainment, and to some the two-hour production becomes art. But when viewers seek to live vicariously through the characters, wanting to immerse in the extraordinary events that they lead, the movie becomes so much more. It evolves into a culture, a commentary, a truth.

Danny Boyle does just that with Slumdog Millionaire - in the answering of ten questions we watch the lives of three orphans unravel before us in the setting of a derelict slum controlled by vice, greed and the cruel realization that ordinary is nothing and being exceptional means exploitation by the corrupt.

Amidst the massive windfall of 20 million rupees and the jubilation of a nation we learn that fortune comes not only in the form of material wealth, but more so in the minutes spent every day thinking of how to survive tomorrow. By smiling through each happy moment and feeling each tear we tell ourselves that this may be the story of every child in every Indian slum.

Take in the sights of a developing country and dive into the pool of experiences presented through the lives of two orphan brothers.Slumdog Millionaire is raw, beautiful, and a fantastic way to remind you that you're living too good a life to be complaining about the little things.

Living another life

So the girls at the new workplace pamper me... and as a result I've lost self-control, and we all know what happens when you lose self-control.

You gain weight.

So here I am - eating right, not snacking, exercising, and being quiet. I've fat genes and that means I get fat breathing.

In fact I've just gotten back from my weekly jog! Gonna start slow and get the hang of huffing my lungs out before I go more regularly.

Wish me luck!

Pictures

You know how you don't see somebody for a long time and you keep building them in your head, and you tell yourself that's there's no way someone could look that good? And then you meet that person and you're left standing there just looking at her because she's more than you imagined?

Still painted pictures -
Taken from the artist's soul,
Splashed into the winds.

I used to be counting back hundreds of days, and now it's only been like seven and I'm all bummed out. Well I guess I got a lotta time to paint pictures.

Yeah, it feels great don't it?

Deja Vu

I'm back to where it all started, and I can't say I feel any worse. I think we've all grown and learnt and experienced so much more, but it's still the same way with me.

After all the years of growing up, I still wanna be where I wanted to be that many years ago.

Dinner at home with the girls from the old office

Here're the lovely ladies that had the guts to try my cooking that night. You can't really see them well coz my mum took the picture and she sucks at it (I still love her though), but it's Sharon, Yoke Ling, me, and Fiona. The two kids belong to Yoke Ling and Fiona.



Here's what I made that night. Sharon took the pictures so you can see em well.



I can't wait till the next time we meet.

A leave of absence

They liked my soup!

I had a bowl delivered for Tracy the day after dinner and I got good comments from her! Coming from her it's a big deal, since her mum probably cooks better than my mum. The praise was later affirmed when I had the chance to meet one of my colleagues online.

She's a weird one, I tell you, and we ended up in a nice long conversation about nothing much in general. It was a welcome distraction from the slum I was in, and I must admit I thoroughly enjoyed it.

So kudos for making me smile that night, because I have been lacking in that department for most days, and I hope you remembered what I told you about your job scope.

She also told me about her mum's spectacular cooking, and her Sze Chuan Chai with pork dish. Well, I make a pretty good one myself, so I can't wait to taste the work of the best cook (her mum). I hope she manages to sneak like 2 pieces out of the house for my tasting.

Cooking's the word nowadays, as it helps me pass time and move on with the happier stuff. When the kitchen's clean and the lights turned out, I return to the room and my pen, where more things happen.

Head's up people who love the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (me, me!), scientists have actually found a pill that could erase your bad memories! While there are ethical concerns, I must admit that such a medical marvel could see a lot of visitors indeed! If you're not watched the movie starring Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, please do. It's the winner of the 2007 Academy Awards for Best Script, and the actors do their characters real justice!

And I think I've been getting too loud at work for my own good. I know it's starting to turn out like the old office where everyone's a nice noisy bunch, but it's different somehow and I know I'll have to tone myself down a lot before I start annoying people out there. The girls from the workplace are really swell and I'm starting to like them a lot.

Looks like a great work place from where I stand, and I hope I can be able to contribute more than noise to it. Pretty ladies from my workplace, I love you all, and thank you for the good times, and another new reason to smile.

Real simple writing from me today - quite tired from the logging and cooking from the weekend, so I hope you find it suitable for the late night reading. Eyes closing, sleepy, now I go.

Day Five now, but I'm hopeful still.

Mulligan

A few years ago I was asked to make a decision - a simple yes or no questions that applied to two people at the same time.

I'm not good with words, and I still regret what I said that night, as well as all the other nights that I kicked myself for saying what I said.

So here I am sitting away from the kitchen, about to return to the one place that makes me feel in control. The Bee Gees are playing in the background from the living room, and I've been singing that song by Lifehouse (I apologize to the people who heard my rendition earlier). If a psychiatrist had a go with me I'm certain I'll be able to drive them mad.

Nobody gets to much heaven no more
It's much harder to come by I'm waiting in line
Nobody gets to much love anymore
It's as high as a mountain and harder to climb

Well, nothing in life's as easy as cooking a meal no? But how often do the best things happen? That's right. And when they do, you just have to go for it - climb that mountain, take up that line, do everything you possibly can because it could be the only thing that will make your life worth living.

And yes, the chicken's done. I've to go get it out of the steamer now. Dinner awaits, and I've asked Sharon to bring a camera.

Stay tuned for pictures.

Nightmare

I had a bad dream last night - the worst kind that leaves your heart beating deep and fast as you lie awake looking at the ceiling.

They say that dreams are pictures into the future. If that is the case I never want to fall asleep again. I've never been so afraid.

Good night

It's half-past three and I'm heading to bed.

Goodnight to all, and may the sweet kiss of slumber take you beyond your wildest dreams so that as you catch the waking air, a smile will come and greet the day before you.

A Word

No more, but yet to mean everything.

In hope, we dream and in dreaming we live; all in a sad life we play out like flames dancing on a candle's stage. But yet we rejoice at the mention and sacrifice for the touch, petty creatures lurking in its shadows taking venomous bite after bite until nothing is left but a cold, hard, lifeless shell, spent and broken by hunger and greed.

Wars fought, civilizations torn asunder, history rewritten - all in the grand envelope of its cape. To the victor goes the grudge of the fallen, and with the spoils of the battles past we build a new world in its name.

At its grace men fell; for its power women worshiped. For it, time itself stood still.

And at its promise I now count, like I have counted before, like I have counted always; for something that might very well not be.

A word. No more, but yet everything.

What a song

I can sing it all day, and I want to.

You and Me - Lifehouse - Me

100 Years

This is a song about a grandfather telling his 15 year-old grandson about his life story, and there's this part that always makes me cry.

"I'm 99 for a moment
I'm dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Making my way to where you are"

Sad but awfully sweet, this is the story of our lives.

A perspective

I guess it's the last time I can do this again; I've been trying to forget it but somehow the feeling always comes back. It'll be great, but I hope it even happens.

On another note I just returned from my first ever midnight jogging trip! Did two rounds around the neighborhood and it lasted all of an hour. Stretching helped. Came home, did the crunches and pushups and then went for a shower. Now you'll see me sipping on a can of 100Plus (ahhhhhh) and eying a bottle of Evian sitting in front of me.

People from my poly days will know romance with the mineral water brand. Some might say it was one my my three greatest love stories.

And it feels great! I can't wait for the next one so I can leave the country. Now's the time for my writing skills to come up with limitless excuses not to run!

But I'll keep at it coz I think I'll look even better in the clothes I spend all my money on.

Next up on the agenda is lunch tomorrow. I'm deciding to make chicken chops for Abel. It will come with fried prawn fritters, potato wedges, and lettuce. What a Valentine's huh... We had dinner tonight and there was more chart complaining to do since we lost so much these few days. But I've a goal to meet and that is to be able to eat Aston's everyday without feeling the financial pinch. It's a little tight now coz I buy so much clothes, so I gave us 3 years to achieve that.

Also, the babes from Chiropractic First will be coming around for dinner on Sunday so I've to plan that too. So far it's steamed chicken, kai lan with scallops, pork chops, steamed prawns and abalone soup.

And to top it all off, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to all you couples out there, as well as the lovely ladies from my workplace. It's only been five months, but I love you all to bits. Here's to many more years of working together.

I've got plans, and it's all going to work out fine. Potentially, I could be the happiest man alive.

Some people are good at writing because when they talk rubbish comes out.

Well, at least I hope she smiled.

Secrets

Ever wanted something so bad that you don't dare to act on it just because it might disappear?

Something for a good laugh.

Here's what a guy with nothing to do at 2am does. First and only time, I swear.

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls - Me

Never there in the first place

Fondness found in couples' hold,
In tale of tales yet to be told,
As two with feelings strong and hard,
Take the promise not to part.

Every time my heart stops, and there is an intensifying moment of silence where all the questions explode in my head. And in the darkness I struggle to get out, doing things that I hope will matter, but always the loudest voice would scream, "it's not me".

And I end up very afraid.

A night's out with Tracy

God I miss the bunch of them... walking into the office to wild wild people. When we start talking it seems we can go forever.

I'm having them over for dinner on Sunday so it'll be good to catch up again.

As for Tracy, I hope she'll get to see her little boy soon.

Thanks for the fun night babe... I'll see you in Simei soon.

Drop

Hammer, fall
fast and heavy
on the fragile weak.

Splinters, pierce
deep and serrated
into the softened flesh.

Boulders, strike
hard and brutal
atop the brittle frame.

Death, rise
slow and calculated
above the crestfallen souls.

Strike now, strike surely, strike once.

Prolonging the Night Part 2

For some reason I can't sleep tonight.

So I get to cleaning out some rubbish (yes, it's strange how I deal with boredom), and chanced upon a folder filled with emails that Magdalene sent me.

As a wordsmith (I've been known to wax lyrical) I appreciate the strength of the written word; to me they are a representation of an instance - a moment trapped in time by the writer's whim.

So I read, and understood that the past is past, and that people change. I think I've changed somewhat too (we all do I guess). But in the process of change we often keep those that are overly sentimental to us.

When the letters and the gifts were shoved down the rubbish chute, I began to ask myself if she had done the same. The fact that I didn't even shed a tear while reading all her letters mean something, and for her to simply leave my stuff outside her house instead of having to meet me (FYI she's not said sorry yet) must mean she's beaten me to throwing out the relationship stuff.

(Thank god I took back all the letters that I wrote! I had a go at them and threw them out as well - bad writing has no reason for existence.)

In love we realize many things - that those in front of you may not be the ones; to look for that special person you may not have to search for too long. In the back of your head they may sit, but in your heart you know they've always belong. And for some it may be a long and tiring journey, trying out relationship after relationship only to realize they should have listened to their hearts all along.

(It's like insurance - good to have, but you'll have so much more money to spend if you give it a miss... But seriously, I like being in love.)

Three years of my life, donated for some primary school kid's writing paper. At least he'll have better use for it I guess.

And if you'll excuse me, I'll go back to getting back to sleep. They say forty-fifth time's the charm.

Prolonging the night

Special thanks to Ivy, who is now happily married, for letting me in on this marvelous little trick that is my blog title for today.

So you're awake at this time. The night is a great place to have some personal time, and here's a list of what I like to do.

Take a look around your room; go downstairs for a walk; look outside your window; count sheep; draw sheep; and if you've a sheep in your room, shave a sheep; sing something you like; make a playlist of videos you like on YouTube; tap your feet to the rhythm of your heart; remember; forget; pine; turn on your television; read a book; write a book; eat something; cook something and get someone else to eat it; call a friend; make a new one coz you just woke someone up in the middle of the night; take a shower; take a bath; download a video; draw; play a game; breath; watch an insect crawl across a room; grow a plant; watch it grow; wait for the next minute to come; close your eyes; lie down; try sleeping for once.

Sometimes you'll never know what you'll find as you're sitting alone in your room. In the presence of silence, some of us fear; some of us hunger; some of us discover what is it to be us.

Take some time to think about the things that are important to you and how you think you want to deal with them. Is there a clear answer? Do you need a clear answer? Could the answer be right in front of you?

Prolonging the night. Try it sometimes.

Sunshine through a cloudy day

Hope ya see this.

Unconditional

It started out cloudy with a tint of gray. The sun rose over the horizon casting a golden net over the sea, stretching itself out across the little town. The shadows retreated into their dark corners, awaiting the end of the light; and little townspeople opened their windows to greet the wonderful day. And a little house along a narrow street, down by the little fishing wharf with the tiny fishing trows, breakfast was being made.

Here we find Pep, patiently watching the fire as he prepares a loving meal for his wife Judy. Straw fan in hand, Pep tames the heat into a slow and humble cuddle as the soup simmers under his vigilant watch. Upstairs the missus prepares for the day - for you see it was going to be a special one for her and her husband. She puts on his favorite dress and casts a spray of his favorite perfume after tying up her long brown hair into a little ponytail - just the way she was when they went out on their first date.

And Pep called out to her, asking her to come down for breakfast. They met each other on the stairs and he kissed her lightly on the lips the same way he had done so everyday for as long as they were married.

"You start eating before it gets cold. I'll be right down," Pep told Judy. He looked her in the eyes and then kissed her again. "You look so beautiful."

The door to the bedroom closed and Pep started to get dressed for their special day. For him, a neat little shirt with a matching pair of little pants, finished off with a nice little blazer and a spray of her favorite cologne. He smiled at himself in the mirror and reached under the bed for a package he hid there a few days before.

When Pep got back down Judy was sitting over her soup. She had prepared one for Pep and was waiting for him to return before they started. She reached out for his hands and kissed him lightly on the lips before gesturing for him to start eating.

He smiled at her as he ate. She smiled back.

And with breakfast done, our lovely couple held each others' hands and set off away from their little house and into the little town where by now, everyone has started their day proper.

There was Bill the fisherman, who waved hello as the well-dressed pair strolled by; James the postman wanted to give them a ride to the station but they declined, enjoying the walk instead; Margaret the baker shoved a loaf of short bread into their hands and they each took a slice.

Three hours later Pep and Judy alighted from the train waving goodbye to Kyle the conductor. Hands held, they continue their journey towards their special place.

A meadow, pond, rose garden and playground later, Pep and Judy ended up at the beach. They stopped at the end of the path to take off their shoes, but not before kissing each other lightly on the lips once more.

A large footprint, followed by a smaller footprint, followed by a large footprint. The couple counted the steps it took to reach the sea. When the waves touched their feet they stopped, turned to each other and said, "I love you."

They kissed, this time for longer.

"Thank you for being here," Judy said to Pep.

"Thank you for wanting me here," Pep said to Judy. He took out the package under his coat and gave Judy the picture they took when they were first here.

A small footprint follows a larger footprint into the breaking waves as they walk down into the horizon. With the waves at their ankles, they sat down. Pep put his arms around Judy's shoulder and Judy rested her head on Pep's. He kissed her lightly on her head and they smiled. It seemed so long since they returned, but yet they remember it like yesterday.

And they sat, quietly watching the clouds above and feeling the waves upon their bodies until their two hearts beat no more. Locked in an eternal embrace, with hands held and heads touching, Pep and Judy sat upon the wet sands - a special place where they first met and last kissed.

And as the sun slowly sat, the photograph of a much younger couple slowly drifted into the pale yellow horizon, continuing a journey that started sixty years ago by a man named Pep and his lovely girlfriend Judy.

Here she is!

Juliana's bundle of joy! She's back home with her mum and dad now, and I didn't put up a picture of her during my last post.

Say hi to Merisse.

"Hi Merisse!"

I'll say this again - I want one too :(

Segway

I think poetry's kinda like a segway - you don't really know how it works (unless you head to Wikipedia), but you jump on anyway and once you get the hang of it, you go places with so much more ease.

I use poetry as a drawing board, a blank canvas for me to tell people who bother reading what and how I feel the precise moment I wrote the piece. In a simple act of writing I engrave that instance of my life onto eternity, readying itself for a retelling whenever I feel like reminiscing.

To find out more about a person, I'd say to read their writing first. For when they are alone with a pen do you see what they truly are. It's like how your character is defined by your behavior whenever you're alone in a room.

I thank those who have opened themselves to an interpretation of my emotion, no matter if you feel what I felt. While I try my best to recreate the raw feeling, it's your imagination and understanding that lends meaning to my words.

But I say too much and am testing your patience on this moment of creative masturbation. No matter what I write, I hope you take meaning from it.

And that may just be the best purpose yet.

Tip

Taunting cabaret
Of the trickling dew on ice
Laughing at the snow.

The Miracle of Birth

Juliana gave birth yesterday to a baby girl!

I went to visit with flowers (yes I was too far from the Eu Yan Sang, but the flowers were very nice ok?!) and got a chance to get up close with personal with young little Merisse.

By close, I meant a two-metre gap.

I have to admit that pregnant women scare me, and the thing that comes out of them takes the cake. I appreciate the whole miracle of birth thing, but it's just really scary. When Tracy had the tummy I couldn't bear to touch her also... Goosebumps.

But as I saw the look in Juliana's eyes as she gently picks up the baby and holds her close. You can tell Merisse knew Mummy was close because she instantly stopped crying. We drew the curtains and very soon her little eyes were open to the world.

Before I left I welcomed her. You'll probably end up saying it sucks, but it's the best you've got.

I want one too. :(

Unyielding

"You don't have to go, you know?"

A pale yellow draws upon her face, the setting sun casting a long weary shadow, sketching the moment as two hands fought to be together. Hours pass but the tension remains a tightly wound rope holding the weight of their relationship.

As he looked into her eyes he saw the perfect future, and he wasn't about to let it go.

"Please."

He feared rejection, that they would never meet again. It was a pattern with them and he knew there was so little a chance; a slim possibility that he had to seize if he ever were to smile again. In her eyes he sought the answer he wanted, probing, hinting, begging her to reenact the exact scene he has played over in his mind for the past years.

So much has changed, but he still remembers the few conversations they've had; the yearning fresh within him; the desperation for her touch overwhelming him with every breath he takes.

"It's just..." she barely spoke when he took her by the arms and kissed her.

"Don't go," tears were falling down his face as he looked into her eyes.

But the rain came, pouring from the skies above determined to separate them. A taxi pulled up the driveway, horns blaring with the customary impatience. Their lips part; hands and gaze to follow.

He moved to help her carry the bags, but she was quick, always one step ahead of his every thought; she knew him that way.

"I'm sorry, but we can't go on. I've done so much harm to you already," she said as she hurried to the taxi, making sure not to fall back into his gaze. She reached into her pocket and showed him the ring he had bought her.

"Here." Something inside died as she handed him the velvet grey box.

He held on to it tightly as the car door closed, his tears no longer visible in the pouring rain. He watched the taxi drive off, accelerating into the cloudy horizon taking his love with it.

The ring wasn't as he remembered it. Cold to the touch, the white band broke into slivers of his shattered dreams; the solitary diamond reminding him of how alone he is; the hollow of the ring seeking her finger, calling out to the one it was made for.

Nothing's changed, and to him every day will be a wait in the rain with hopes dashed and dreams faded.

But there he stood, waiting for the taxi to return, reenacting the scene that didn't happen, still living the same love he had for her from so long ago.

From one of my favorite movies

"If you focus on what you left behind, you will never see what lies ahead!"

But what if what you want IS what you left behind? Will you fight the good fight or let the fat man tell you what to do?

One thing's for certain though - you'll get nowhere just sitting there.

Anyway, here's a look at what I made for dinner today - Steamed Chicken, Kai Lan with Prawns in Oyster Sauce, and ABC Soup.

Raving Rabids

Dump

I'm one to treasure memories; some things I never forget. In fact, I think that's the reason for my short-term memory. I keep a lot of the memories inside and there's really no space for anything else.

Well, to be honest it did take me FOUR years to remember the birthday of one of my favorite people.

That being said, and the bullet hopefully dodged by the present I gave last year, I deleted the photos of me and Magdalene just now. I know that I'll probably look back and wondered why I did that, but I guess some things you don't need explaining.

There's still some things to throw away, but I'll take things one at a time. Expect to see something like the Museum of Broken Relationships here on the blog.

To some extent I kinda knew this day would come. I wavered so much during the course of it all, ending up where I started in the first place - alone in the room. Except this time no one called me and I called no one.

Somewhere in the National Library is a wall with "Cupcake heart Muffin 24/02/07" scribbled onto it. I am reminded that nothing lasts, even if you wanted it to. In honest truth, I never thought that to be true, because some things you just can't forget.

Why I Write

It is a lurking fear that I can never write as well as the previous day, that I find it hard to articulate the flood of emotions that I often find myself needing to release. In those instances I find myself a pen, and sit down on the corner of bed (that's where most of the writing is done), and scribble away.

Sometimes I write about animals, of grass and trees in the wind. Sometimes I write about empty faces I see when walking down the streets. Sometimes I write about my mistakes and shortcomings. Sometimes inanimate objects take lead as metaphors to a life not led.

In that simple act I train my mind to let go - willingly erupt into a flurry of expression, letting the heart guide the pen onto the crisp paper. I read my writing sometimes, and find myself in ridicule for the past written. So many times I've wanted to throw them all out - my careless altercations with the subservient representation of my being.

But I have only till recently kept them hidden away - if not in mind then in physicality, yellowing to a soft yielding crumble juxtaposed to the authority and angst carved onto their pages. I would look at them constantly only to have them look back; my past grievances trading blows with the weak autocracy of a waylaid psyche that refuses to verbalize its hopes, dreams, wishes and prayers.

And for the fallen syllables and verses I prepared a funeral rite - a passage of purpose, fulfilling the immense promise they have been brought up for; for the dead words and uprooted emotions I prepare a feast of their brethren - more words to feed the words, unrelentingly pouring forth from my cursed mind, repeating the repeated, removing cause from the unpurposeful; telling the same tale of the same subject from the same person at the same time upon the stubborn intestines of the present.

A long tale retold to no one, heard by a lonely ear of the writer; applauded by the majesty of my ego; crucified by the nonchalance of reality.

And of what do I bleed? Of nature and it's splendor? Of promise and its ironies? Of dreams and their prospects? Of people and their faces? Of love and its cruelty? Of nothing?

But I write.

Now, standing upon the carcasses of fallen hopes, failed verses and the misshapen molds of reality, I realize that I write of but one thing - a simple word that I hold so dear.

Truth.

And one day, I wish I can do more than write.

OD

I've had too much coke, there's an awful aftertaste in my mouth, and my left eye keeps twitching.

Think the two cans last night did me in.

My heart aches

I miss the cats, and suddenly it's getting a lot more lonelier at home.

From the Kitchen of Mama Wong - Part 6

Sea Cucumber with Pork and Mushrooms

Mmmm.. Sea cucumbers! This disgusting little sea slug is filled with goodness, and for the ladies - they've no calories! I've been in love with them since my first bite, and if you're afraid of eating badly prepared ones, give me a call.

Ingredients -
Sea Cucumber (1kg)
Dried Mushrooms (preferably the Japanese ones, about half a bag)
Ginger (about 2cm)
Garlic and Shallots (2 cloves each)
Pork Belly (三辰肉, sliced to cubes of about 2cm)
Fatt Choy (grab a bunch)

All set? Fire up.

Mario Would Be Proud
Before we start, my first experience with dried mushrooms is worth a mention. I've been hungry again and thought of making some instant noodles (couldn't cook that well then so anything goes). There was nothing to go with the noodles so I decided to cook me some mushrooms! I took a bunch out of the packet and threw them into hot water so I could hasten the process. Big mistake.

Back to reality, and you'd want to soak the mushrooms for at least 2 hours in tap water. Throw in a little sugar. Once that's done, give the mushrooms a little squeeze to get out the water and nip off a little of their base before setting them aside.

Set aside the water as well. You won't regret it.

Tip: You can set aside the base for soup! Just wrap em in a cooking bag and toss em in.

My Sister Thinks It's Hair
Fatt Choy is like algae. It is, actually. Soak these in water and wait for them to soften. They will be useful in the last step of the recipe.

Squish
I can't stress this enough - clean the sea cucumbers. You need to scrape the stomach walls off the inside. if not it'll be a disgusting bitter aftertaste for you.

Once that's done, slice up some ginger (only about 1/2 of the total though - you'll need the rest for the next step) and fire up the wok. Heat up some oil and fry the ginger till you get that nice ginger smell in your kitchen. Throw in the sea cucumber after and play around. Next add a sprinkle of 花雕酒 (Hua Diao Wine) and cook till the wine becomes essence.

Once that's done remove everything and run it under a cold tap. Set aside and heat up the wok again.

The Rest of the Bunch
Oil, garlic, shallots, ginger till fragrant, and then throw in the pork. Cook that a little and then add in the mushrooms to the mix. A dash of oyster sauce (about 1 tablespoon) and dark soy sauce (about 2 tablespoons) to add some color, and then into a good pot.

Remember the water you saved when soaking the mushroom? The one with the sugar? Pour it into the pot with the mushrooms and pork, and then bring to a boil before stewing it for about an hour and a half till the mushrooms turn mush. Throw in a small cube of rock sugar while you're at it.

Once that's achieved, add in the sea cucumber and continue stewing for 30 more minutes. 20 minutes after the sea cucumber goes in, throw in the fatt choy.

Be sure to give it a stir once in awhile so they don't stick to the bottom of the pot.

Enjoy.

The Second

When the last girlfriend and I started out we agreed to let it be a very spontaneous relationship - two free spirits coming together to fill the voids in each others' lives. There was to be no fuss, no extra obligation, no counting of days, and if at any time we don't feel the same way the other would understand why it had to end.

I guess I'm not as "of-the-moment" as I thought I'd be. I enjoyed spending every day with her, calling her several times a day, appreciating the mornings we get to wake up together, treasuring the sense of belonging we gave each other; I enjoyed being a part of her life.

Being in a relationship wasn't as easy as I thought it'd be too. When you choose to spend time - to love - a person, you are taking in every single thing that the person stands for; feeling every smile, wiping every tear, hearing every thought, and cherishing every moment. You are taking them into yourself, and giving all of yourself to them.

I don't think another person's emotions should ever be taken lightly. If there is ever another person who can accept me into her life, I know that she will be of my wildest dreams - sending me soaring into the clouds and living a life most wonderful. I will live every day with that person as if it's the last, making sure she knows I am hers for keeps.

Today is the second of February, when we used to celebrate our monthly anniversaries.